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Lyle Alzado Flaunts His Big Jackhammer In “Destroyer”

What do you do when you see a sweaty, buffed up, and shirtless musclebear with a crazed look on his face who’s carrying a massive jackhammer with a custom sniper scope attached to it?

If you were standing inside your local video rental store staring dumbfounded at your find, you’d rent that movie, of course!

It’s Friday night and I wanted some quick video entertainment satisfaction. So on my way home from work, I stopped by my local video rental store to see what I could find.

I started thumbing through the different categories… Drama? I have too much drama in my life already. Musicals? I’m already gay, thank you. Action? Come on… If I could get action, I wouldn’t be at the video store in the first place! Comedy? My life’s already a canceled sitcom. So what was left?

Ah, Thrillers… No, not the Michael Jackson kind. We’re talking slashers and teen-age axe murders at the camp by the lake kind of stuff. This might do.

Lo and behold, an obscure title caught my eye. “Destroyer” starring that ex-football star Lyle Alzado! Without hesitation, I swiped it off the shelf and rented it right away.

Needless to say, it’s as cheesy as any 80’s movies go. However, taking in the views of Alzado definitely made it a treat. However, do you know what would have been great? If there was a “Special Feature” at the end of the film. And I wish that there was a deleted scene that goes a little something like this…

[NOTE: The following blow-by-blow reenactment is NOT on the VHS. This is all just trashy wishful thinking…]

A gay prisoner, Barry, finds Lyle strapped into a chair. He stares at Lyle’s bulging muscles as the strap could barely contain him.

BARRY: I’m going to die anyway, so I’m just going to feel your muscle pecs. At least I’ll die happy.

LYLE: Oh, you’d like to do that, wouldn’t you? Okay, girlie-boy, come feel these. Go on, feel ‘em!

BARRY: (feels ‘em) My, such solid muscles. When you escape from these straps, which I’m sure you will, would you please give me at least a good long chase? Five minutes would do. I’d like to jack off and think of you while I’m running for my life.

LYLE: (looks at the conveniently-placed jackhammer beside him) I sure will, girlie-boy. I sure will.

Lyle easily escapes from the strap while Barry runs for his life.

LYLE: (taunts) Come out, come out, wherever you are!

BARRY: (runs and jerks off) I’m trying to! I’m trying to!

LYLE: Girlie-boy, I have my friend Jack with me. He wants to say, “Hi.”

BARRY: (intrigued) Here I come!!! (literally)

Lyle breaks through a door and finds the quivering Barry on the floor.

LYLE: Well, lookie what we got here.

BARRY: (pleads) You’ve been a zombie ghost for a very long time. Don’t you miss hot, sweaty prison sex?

LYLE: (thinks about it) Well, girlie-boy, you convinced me. (puts down the jackhammer) I guess I have another friend, Jack, who’d like to see you. (unzips pants)

BARRY: (smiles) Please. Call me Jill.

Well, now you can understand why they would have deleted that scene. It would have been pretty bad for a mainstream thriller flick that was trying to be seriously scary. But just think all the homo fantasies it would have inspired in a more campy version of the film. Here’s a trailer for Destroyer to give you a taste for the real film.

Now he’s half the man and twice the animal!

Here’s a scene from the movie where a priest tries to talk to death row prisoner Alzado who’s addicted to TV game shows.

And just because we can, here’s another video of Lyle in another movie playing a big bully construction worker who likes to wear REALLY tight jeans. At around 40 seconds into the clip you’ll see that Lyle has more bulging than just his muscles.

Seen some other great scenes with hunky Lyle Alzado? Add a Comment to this posting or email it to us! We don’t bite… much.

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